Green eyes, dawns first light

A morning unlike others;

 - Let this moment last

Hittade att småintressant meme i ett evighetsgammalt inlägg i dagboken på Helgon, och tänkte att det kanske var dags att uppdatera till dagens läge:

1. Tre namn jag lyssnar till:
Christian (bara från föräldrarna, dock), Landgren, Hemlox

2. Någonting jag tycker om med mig själv:
Att jag är hyfsat intelligent

3. Någonting jag inte tycker om med mig själv:
Kan vara något av en besserwisser, och ibland ganska arrogant

4. Detta är jag rädd för:
Spindlar

5. Tre saker jag vill ha varje dag:
Bröd, kaffe, internet

6. Tre saker jag absolut inte kan göra:
Köra bil, sluta överanalysera, sluta oroa mig för allting

7. Detta tycker jag om att göra:
Träna kampsport, skaffa ny kunskap, skriva

8. Detta vill jag göra just nu:
Hitta ett jobb

9. Bästa känslan:
”A good work well done”.

10. Värsta känslan:
Ofrivillig ensamhet

11. Följande egenskaper ser jag gärna att min partner har/är:
Intelligens, bra (musik- och kläd)smak, rätt sorts humor

12. Är jag kär just nu?:
Vet inte rikrigt, men kanske på väg åt det hållet. Tror jag. Hhnnggg... så förvirrad :/

13. Jag vill gifta mig:
Någon gång i framtiden, ja.

14. Följande tre saker vill jag göra innan jag dör:
Övernatta i Cheops-pyramidens kammare, uppleva den perfekt kärleken, träna WuShu/Kung Fu i Kina

15. Min käraste ägodel:
Mina böcker

16. Något jag vill ha i present:
Något som du funderat på och som passar mig/min stil.

17. Detta har jag på mig just nu:
Rutiga tofflor, svarta jeans & svart polotröja

18. Favoritkläder:
Smala jeans + figursydd skjorta & väst

19. Favoritdjur:
Sjöko/dugong. Ja, faktiskt.

20. Följande musikstilar tilltalar mig mest:
Goth och dess sub-genrer

21. Då grät jag senast:
Senaste gången jag såg slutscenerna i "Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon"

22. Skola - roligaste/tråkigaste ämne:
Roligast; religion, tråkigast: idrott

23. Stjärntecken:
Fisk. Drake enl. kinesiskt horoskop

24. En bok jag gillar:
Bara en?!? China Mieville - "Perdidio Street Station"

25. En film jag gillar:
”Bladerunner”

26. TV-program jag gillar:
”House Md.”

27.Favoritdoft:
Alla parfymer från Kenzo. Annars Nag Champa-rökelse eller kaffe med kanel

28. Detta äter jag gärna:
Asiatiskt

29. Dricker helst:
Rött te eller rött vin

30. Favoritgodis:
Saltlakrits.

31. Hit vill jag gärna åka på semester:
Kina

32. Färgen på mina ögon:
Blå/grå

33. Min längd:
180 cm

34. Jag tror på:
”Köttets lust och själens obotliga ensamhet”, magins kraft och att universum är konstigare än vi någonsin kan föreställa oss.

35. Jag spelar:
”Mass Effect 2" och "Echo Bazaar"

36. Person jag beundrar:
Gandhi

37. Så här bor jag:
Ensam i vindsvåning, 2 rum o kök.

38. Antal döda krukväxter i hemmet:
Inga, dom lever och mår bra allihop.

39. Det här tänder mig:
Intensiva ögon och blickar, intelligens, humor

40. Det här gör mig avtänd:
När det ska vara för pretentiöst. Lägg ner, verkligheten är inte en porrfilm.

41. Favoritfärg:
Svart.

42. Favoritcitat:
”Do as thou Will shall be the whole of the Law”. (A. Crowley, Liber Al vel Legis, 1:40)

43. En hemlighet jag vet:
Duhh…

44. Den bästa present jag fått:
Ingen aning….

45. Senast köpta skiva:
Abney park - "The End of days"

46. Det jag är mest nöjd över med mitt utseende är:
Händerna

47. Det jag är missnöjd med:
Näsan och Hakan

48. Udda förmåga/egenskap:
Karat mig igenom utbildning och jobb genom att låtsas som om jag vet vad jag håller på med.

49. Om jag vore ett djur skulle jag vara:
Sjöko/dugong. Glida runt i varmt vatten som en inkarnation av Buddha? Ja tack.

Let then my soul be free to wander
across those plains forever green
through other worlds as yet unheard of
and by living Man unseen;

from Tir ´na Nog far west of Eirin
to the Elysian Fields of old
where fountains run with amber mead
to make each man a hero bold;

Then onwards to the haunts of Dante
- the Hell he braved in search of love
´cross lakes of Ice where traitors lay
and onwards to the skies above;

where long-lost friends and lovers wait
to once more take my hands
and guide me further on and on
to farther and far stranger lands

[Svar på en forum-utmaning om att skriva ny text till en given melodi, i det här fallet Emilie Autumns "4 o´ Clock"]

Hoist the sails

Hoist the sails

It is time to fiiiiiiiiight

Feel your hot blood flow

give your foes a mighty blow

see them flee and scream in fear

´tis the last of them we´ll hear

so hoist the sails!

Hoist the sails

Hoist the sails

We´ll blow out their liiiiiiights

All their power´s of no use

and this war they´ll surely loose

we´ll kick their collective caboose

so hoist the sails!

So load all our cannons and aim them well

Send our enemies down to Hell!

Prisoners they will be sold for rum

´cause that is what makes us fight oh-so-well

Our sense of adventure brings victory

it keeps us forever both wild and free!

Greater than all of it´s parts is our sum

and we´l roam the seas for eternity...

...so Hoist. The. Sails!

And by the Old Ones, the things I were to see and experience!

The Void beyond the stars not emptiness, but darkness itself made manifest and sentient.

Gateways to places that has never had a name in any human tounge.

Gods worshipped when Atlantis was young, and whos altars can still be found in the lost corners of the Earth.

I saw it all, and and it changed me.

It changed me in ways neither you nor I will fully understand no matter how long this testament of mine becomes. Some things simply cannot be described, only experienced, and while I do not doubt that you are curious - just as I once was – rest assured that you are better off not knowing the full extent of my transformation.

A transformation I should have seen coming.

It was with this now familiar feeling of apprehension mixed with utter dread that the changes began to take hold, with me as they had with my uncle.

In hindsight I should have been more careful, and I should have looked closer at the few photographs of the man that I had managed to find; what first as a young boy I had thought to be a nose broken and flattened in some accident or burst of violence, and eyes looking too big and somehow strange behind the thick glasses he wore...

...well, now I know better as the very same changes, subtle as they may have begun, are becoming more and more noticable each time I look into a mirror.

But that came later, and it is a subject to which I will return, should madness not overcome me before that time.

I was on my way to tell you how it all started, but as is my want I sidetracked into half-mad ramblings once again. You must excuse these occasional bursts of insanity; it is hard for a broken mind to gather the pieces of itself into a coherent whole for long enought to tell a story like this.

So where was I before I went out on this metaphorical limb once more?

Ah, yes... my father and his brother, the increasingly strained relationship between them and the at that time unknown reason for said strain. As you might have guessed by now those reasons would not remain a mystery, but would instead slowly unravel during the course of my life, when the boy I was could but marvel and rejoice with trembling at his sudden revelations, and finally the reasons were clear to me as the answers came from solving cyphers perhaps best left alone.

Although in likeness of my uncle I could not help but open just another book, read just another chapter, call just one more forbidden name towards the sky and strain my senses to their very limit in order to feel that one sensation; the chill touch of a prayer heard.

Heard, and perhaps answered.

and Maldoror keeps laughing
Black eyes
untouched
by His too-wide smile
bereft of humanity

and Maldoror keeps singing
Black hymns
unmoved
by the things they awaken

in us

and Maldoror keeps dancing
Black blood
pooling
in the footprints of His quadrille
with death

and Maldoror keeps looking
Black mirrors
showing
the one thing I don´t want
to see

that Maldoror
is me.

(http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Les_Chants_de_Maldoror)

Nyårsfirandet lades på hyllan tack vara att någon av er nere i K-na smittade mig med lungpest under julhelgen, så istället för att stryka skjortan och kämpa med att få slipsknuten perfekt inför kvällen blir det att upprepa förra årets sammanfattning:



1. Gjorde du något i år som du aldrig gjort förut?: Nix. Status Quo

2. Höll du några av dina nyårslöften?: Ja

3. Blev någon/några av dina vänner föräldrar i år?: Tror inte det. Har haft lite dålig koll på karlskrona-folket, dock

4. Dog någon som stod dig nära?: Nej

5. Vilka länder besökte du?: Inga

6. Är det något du saknar år 2010 som du vill ha år 2011?: Jobb & en fungerade relation

7. Vilket datum från år 2010 kommer du alltid att minnas?: 5:e juni, Vincefestivalen i Karlskrona

8. Vad var din största framgång 2010?: Kom äntligen igång att börja skriva på allvar igen

9. Största misstaget?: Att hoppas på att det skulle bli bättre

10. Har du varit sjuk eller skadat dig?: Ja, men inget allvarligt

11. Bästa köpet?: Varit för pank för sånt.

12. Vad spenderade du mest pengar på?: Studieskulderna :(

13. Gjorde någonting dig riktigt glad?: Synthfestival i K-na, med alla de rätta tillbehören

14. Vilka sånger kommer alltid att påminna dig om 2010?: Covenant - "Invisible and Silent"

15. Var du gladare eller ledsnare i år jämfört med tidigare år?: Ledsnare....även om "ledsen" är helt fel ord när man pratar om depressioner

16. Vad önskar du att du gjort mer?: Sparat, tränat, skrivit

17. Vad önskar du att du gjort mindre?: Tyckt synd om mig själv & nojjat över småsaker

18. Hur tillbringade du julen?: Med föräldrarna

19. Blev du kär i år?: Nej. Attraherad/intresserad, dock

20. Favoritprogram på TV?: Spartacus: Blood & Sand, House, Dox (serie m. -riktigt- bra dokumentärfilmer)

21. Bästa boken du läste i år?: China Miéville - "Kraken: An Anatomy"

22. Största musikaliska upptäckten?: Immaculata, Unextraordinary Gentlemen och Damh the Bard

24. Något du önskade dig och fick när du fyllde år? Ja

25. Något du önskade dig men inte fick?: Ja

26. Vad gjorde du på din födelsedag 2010?: Festade med lägenheten fylld av helt rätt folk & hedersgästen däckad i sovrummet.

27. Finns det någonting som skulle gjort ditt år ännu bättre?: Jobb, Pengar & mänsklig närhet, kanske?

28. Hur skulle du beskriva din stil år: Svartlätt/goth som vanligt, men lite mer strikt/gammeldags och lite viktorianska/steampunk-influenser.

29. Vad fick dig att må bra?: Bra spelningar, Mass Effect 2 & kall cider en het sommardag

30. Vilken kändis var du mest sugen på?: Som alltid - Ewan McGregor

31. Vem saknade du?: Valda delar av Karlskrona-folket

32. De bästa nya människorna du träffade? Heh, det borde inte vara någon större överraskning, right? ;)

But I digress.

The important thing here was not meant to be my own transgressions, but the deeds of my uncle and how those deeds, black as they were, led me to the place where I am today. I could begin like David Copperfield simply with a ”I was born, I grew up”, that would make for a far  to pale story to tell. Let me instead begin when I first saw him for what he was; a seeker of forbidden knowledge, walker of forbidden paths and worshipper of forbidden and long thought forgotten gods.

The sound of his voice and the very scent he brought with him – a smell of yellowed parchment and the dust of old tombs – has been with me for almost as long as I can remember, and to this day I can hardly feel any of those smells without falling into a strange kind of dread reverie. Made my first school-visit to the local musem quite interesting, it did... and long will that unfortunate curator remember the name of my family.

Perhaps it is unwise of me to take such a flippant attitude towards what happened, but I have heard it said that the last thing that leaves a man heading towards insanity is his sense of humor, so I guess this is just another desperate attempt to keep hanging on to sanity by the skin of my teeth for but a short while longer. Long enough to finish my sad attempt at biography and storytelling, at least.

Still, even as I write this I realise that the deeds of my uncle and what I myself have done are perhaps ineperable, and trying to bring order into the chaos of the Old Gods that we both serve may be more than any of us could ever hope to do. They are infinite and strange, and when you have followed the path towards Them for any number of years, time itself seems to unravel unto the point were it could even be my own quest that started my uncle down the very same road decades before I was born.

I know not where Im´m heading more than towards damnation and madness, and I can barely remember what drove me here, so who am I, mere mortal, to say where Cause ends and Effect begins?

Still, one beginning was the time when I woke during the night before my 10th birtday, from a commotion downstairs. My father was angry, I could hear that easily enough by the way he was trying with all his might not to shout, but I knew not why. There was another voice oppsed to his, a voice harsh and strained as if the speaker was in great pain and could only speak at all by a massive effort of willpower – it would take almost a full decade before I found out just how right I was in that guess.

I fell asleep again, eventually, and all my efforts to coax from my father the reason that a man, whom he told me was his estranged brother, had visited in the middle of the night and what the fight had been about. Unsurprisingly I was told not to be nosy, and that it was ”grown up talk” that I would understand when I got older. Grew older I did, but never could I persuade my father to tell me about that particular night, though in all fairness he did eventually tell me of his brother, even if never by name as though this would somehow call down also on us the so called ”darkness” that my uncle supposedly had gotten himself involved with and that subsequently had him branded as pariah and black sheep of the family.

Naive as I was in my teenage years I took the talk of darkness and black secrets as nothing more that racist ramblings from a man holding on to his 1950´s values and thought that my uncle had simply married a woman of coulour or something in that vein...and little did I know how wrong I was.

I know today of an Elder Being called by some The Black Pharao, and I would be quite surprised if my uncle had not shared this knowlege, but the similarities in language ends there. I know also that there exists,  past the light of the stars, a darkness beyond anything we can possibly understand, a void of pure emptiness were life itself in anathema.

Was my father aware of this, of the Old Darkness, the Gods Beyond the Stars, the secrets they hold and the prices one might pay to learn those secrets? I am am unsure as to the depths of his knowledge, but I hold no doubt that he had some insights.

What differed him from his brother was that while my father had always been careful, my uncle - I was told - had since childhood been locked into the habit of acting first and seldom, if ever, slow down to contemplate the effect of his actions. I assume that is was in no small amount this particular state of mind that led him to keep digging after that initial discovery of which I will probably never know the full story, and to keep searching for the next clue- headstong and stubborn old man that was - and to, eventually, tear aside the last remnants of the veil that other more merciful Gods have placed before our eyes to keep us from seeing too much. The veil was torn away, and he saw.

He saw, he remembered, and eventually I too would come to see.