Direktlänk till inlägg 6 november 2010

"The Key, The Way" part 2

Av Christian - 6 november 2010 16:42

A damnation well earned, some might say, and though I am in some ways tempted to agree, I am still human enough to approach the unknown with with my lust for knowledge tempered with fear and trembling, ironically enough like the followers of the Christ were called to serve their lord and keep ignorant, secure and sheepishly obedient, waiting for others to tell them what to do. Waiting for orders, waiting to to do anothers bidding, waiting, patiently, for some ethereal reward long after death.


Not so for this man.


No ignorance born of fear, no waiting for promises never to be kept. Since I awoke to the thruths of this world, each day has been a struggle against that willful stupidity, and a never ending desire to break though the illusion that in ignorance lies bliss; a lie if ever there was one.


Not for me.
A long as there are secrets to unravel, questions to be answered, pieces to assemble, I shall not rest. I have already given up my sanity, and if I have to watch this Earth turn to ashes and dust, then so be it.  The grey crowds inhabiting this planet have had their chances for thousands of years and done nothing - let the meek inherit the Earth... when I´m done with it! 


The Old Gods are waiting for their servants to call the Names, raise the Signs and open the Paths for their return, and if the small traces of power I have gathered about me is enough, I shall be such a servant; not the dull-witted slave of the younger gods of the West, but a willing serf doing his duties not from fear, but from the pride in a job well done, and knowing that the rewards will be both terrible and wondrous. Ia! Ia! Let the Outer Darkess shine on us!


I...I´m slipping.


A moment of fear sends a chill down my spine, but I call to Gods long forgotten for the strength to finish my task, pour another few drops of blood-honey in my wine, and after choking down a taste of iron and dreams, I can once again focus.
I must fight to keep a grip on the part of my mind that remains human, at least enough to finish this my testament and epitaph, my legacy and lament; a guide... and a warning.


Guide to those of you with sufficient strength of will and warning to all others, weak, mindless fools that they are. Guide to those who can stare into the abyss and let it stare into you, keep your eyes open and laugh at the Void, and a warning to those of you who still walk in fear of the unknown and would rather spend  your lives in the comfort of your own narrow-minded ignorance.


I was once told that "A man chooses, A slave obeys", and all these years later I understand fully what those words mean.  I chose to listen to the words my uncle told me and to hear what what hidden between sentences. I chose to follow the leads his then nightmare-inducing fairytales gave, and when the veil of reality started to tear itself apart before the onslaught of this forbidden knowledge, i chose to take the final steps and commit myself to the final steps of that journey.


Today, i choose to finish what I started twenty years ago, when the obsidian dagger that my uncle brought from one of his many trips to the godforsaken corners of the planet, was driven into his heart by my own very hand.Driven in, wrenched out and with a hunger in me that I have not felt before nor since, brought to my lips by hands as if the control of another, outside, force. A slow movement, and all the dread wisdom of his mind and soul passed with that black blood into me.


I blacked out then, and when I woke to the first morning light the room was empty.


The sacrifice had been accepted

 
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Kommentar

Av Christian - 4 september 2013 15:30

As I said in my earlier notes, it has as of today been twenty years since the death of my uncle. Twenty long years of paranoia, fear and though suppressed by endless effort… a certain apprehension.   I know in my bones that but for a mir...

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Av Christian - 30 oktober 2012 17:33

Queer- och Critical TheoryJa, mina vänner, som  ni ser håller jag mig inom samma sfär som som i diskussionen runt Asplund och hans strävan att finna betydelsen bakom fenomenen. Här tänker jag dock inte försök ta reda på vad queerteorin betyder, utan ...

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